Guide for us men on women

[RedOctober]

The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Golf. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Sh&%.



What a woman says, what she really means...

I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

[wall]

So true.

There are also little tricks to avoiding questions.

1. Wife: Are you gonnawork onthose chores I asked you to do? Husband: Is that your Mom walking up the driveway? Wife turns to look, Husband proceeds to runaway and hides in garage or backyard.

2. Wife: Are you gonna work on those chores i asked you to do? Husband: I'll get to it, where is the credit card bill, I wanted to go over something. Wife usually changes subject right away.

[RedOctober]

wall Wrote:

So true.

There are also little tricks to avoiding questions.

1. Wife: Are you gonnawork onthose chores I asked you to do? Husband: Is that your Mom walking up the driveway? Wife turns to look, Husband proceeds to runaway and hides in garage or backyard.

2. Wife: Are you gonna work on those chores i asked you to do? Husband: I'll get to it, where is the credit card bill, I wanted to go over something. Wife usually changes subject right away.

I will SOOO have to remeber those two...particularly the credit card one!

[2Real4me!]

wall Wrote:2. Wife: Are you gonna work on those chores i asked you to do? Husband: I'll get to it, where is the credit card bill, I wanted to go over something. Wife usually changes subject right away.

I believe the wife has a good reason why she needed to use the credit card. I bet you she said, "it was for the baby."!

My mom would say to my dad it was for the kids! *lol*

[wall]

2Real4me! Wrote:

wall Wrote:2. Wife: Are you gonna work on those chores i asked you to do? Husband: I'll get to it, where is the credit card bill, I wanted to go over something. Wife usually changes subject right away.

I believe the wife has a good reason why she needed to use the credit card. I bet you she said, "it was for the baby."!

My mom would say to my dad it was for the kids! *lol*

Actually that doesn't work anymore, she'll review it and show that most of the purchases are for me.*wall*